Single life: Self-talk at age 16 and 60

Whether you're age 16 or 60, self-talk for singles doesn't change, much.

16: What's wrong with me?
60: What's wrong with him?

16: He understands.

60: He doesn't understand

16: He's just busy.
60: Nobody is THAT busy.

16: He's too much for me
60: I'm too much for him.

16: He has issues.
60: I have issues.

16: He's taking his time.
60: He's wasting my time.

16: He doesn't want a relationship.
60: He doesn't want a relationship... with me.

16: He's being careful.
60: Better be careful.

16: In another time, another place...
60: Now's the time, here's the place.

16: I'll figure it out.
60: Burn the fucking bridge.

16: Where is this going?
60: No place I'd rather be.

Single Life: Are single women happier than their paired counterparts?

I read an article posted by Higher Perspectives that stated that, in many ways, single women lead happier lives.

I don't know if that's true. There are times when I'm happy, times when I'm sad, times when I am somewhere in between. As a woman on the cusp of seniorhood, I find it more difficult to stay relevant...noticeable, even. While I don't think I've totally lost the ability to grab the brass ring, it certainly seems to have moved further away than it was a few  years ago. Harder to grasp.

I have sister friends that are married and single. The single ones are usually the most fun and interesting. They have new adventures every day. I find that I have so much in common with them. The married sisters are great, their lives have taken a path so different from mine that I find it hard to relate. While our conversations are also interesting, I am more of a listener than a participant. I try to listen and learn; thinking that one day it will be useful.

For years, I have actively and passively sought a warm relationship. Safe. Fun. Passionate. Equal. And, when success loomed, something always happened. We would break up; usually a simple, quiet exit (I think now they call it ghosting), a few with words, most at my wish. Rarely was their regret, but when there was, I lived with it for months, replaying events, hoping and wishing things were different...that I was different. This is not healthy. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with anyone searching for the right situation.

I'm old(er), but still breathing. I do okay with everything that keeps me alive - work,  appointments, paying bills, nourishing myself and keeping a good appearance. But for the last several years, I've been just wandering in a fog of why and why not, what is and is not. It's a little disturbing because I just can't snap out of it. When something good happens, I wish that I had someone to share it with.  I miss hand holding. Nuzzles while listening to music. Support for my wild ideas. Appreciation of my intellect. Understanding of my lack of interest in housework/crafts/cooking and other womanly duties. Soft whispers after a couple of rounds. Private jokes. Pet names. Listening to or witnessing another's experiences. A different opinion. Joint endeavors. Laughter to tears. Romance. 

Am I ready to give  up just because I can't find anyone who wants the same? No. Do I meet people that I think would be a good fit? Yes. And some of them seem to think I fit. But it can't be sustained. And I think the reason is honesty. I find that people aren't honest with themselves or others. In relationships,  all we're doing is  testing the waters. Why be  locked down by vows and moral weight? It shouldn't be that serious in the beginning. Or that difficult to achieve. Although I submit that in a culture where weirdos abound, one must be careful. That does add a layer of difficulty, doesn't it?

One thing  that I've learned in my self-discovery is that I avoid conflict and permanence, and to some extent, change. I have not chosen a single life by design. I am not particularly happy, but I make it work. I do not resent women who have found a partner, or even a soul mate. I just wonder how they can stick with it. 

I don't know how perennially single men feel about this because they don't generally share this kind of stuff. But no woman I know is content to be alone for the duration. They are always open to the right situation (this is subjective), should it be presented. 

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