Single life: Self-talk at age 16 and 60

Whether you're age 16 or 60, self-talk for singles doesn't change, much.

16: What's wrong with me?
60: What's wrong with him?

16: He understands.

60: He doesn't understand

16: He's just busy.
60: Nobody is THAT busy.

16: He's too much for me
60: I'm too much for him.

16: He has issues.
60: I have issues.

16: He's taking his time.
60: He's wasting my time.

16: He doesn't want a relationship.
60: He doesn't want a relationship... with me.

16: He's being careful.
60: Better be careful.

16: In another time, another place...
60: Now's the time, here's the place.

16: I'll figure it out.
60: Burn the fucking bridge.

16: Where is this going?
60: No place I'd rather be.

Single Life: Are single women happier than their paired counterparts?

I read an article posted by Higher Perspectives that stated that, in many ways, single women lead happier lives.

I don't know if that's true. There are times when I'm happy, times when I'm sad, times when I am somewhere in between. As a woman on the cusp of seniorhood, I find it more difficult to stay relevant...noticeable, even. While I don't think I've totally lost the ability to grab the brass ring, it certainly seems to have moved further away than it was a few  years ago. Harder to grasp.

I have sister friends that are married and single. The single ones are usually the most fun and interesting. They have new adventures every day. I find that I have so much in common with them. The married sisters are great, their lives have taken a path so different from mine that I find it hard to relate. While our conversations are also interesting, I am more of a listener than a participant. I try to listen and learn; thinking that one day it will be useful.

For years, I have actively and passively sought a warm relationship. Safe. Fun. Passionate. Equal. And, when success loomed, something always happened. We would break up; usually a simple, quiet exit (I think now they call it ghosting), a few with words, most at my wish. Rarely was their regret, but when there was, I lived with it for months, replaying events, hoping and wishing things were different...that I was different. This is not healthy. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with anyone searching for the right situation.

I'm old(er), but still breathing. I do okay with everything that keeps me alive - work,  appointments, paying bills, nourishing myself and keeping a good appearance. But for the last several years, I've been just wandering in a fog of why and why not, what is and is not. It's a little disturbing because I just can't snap out of it. When something good happens, I wish that I had someone to share it with.  I miss hand holding. Nuzzles while listening to music. Support for my wild ideas. Appreciation of my intellect. Understanding of my lack of interest in housework/crafts/cooking and other womanly duties. Soft whispers after a couple of rounds. Private jokes. Pet names. Listening to or witnessing another's experiences. A different opinion. Joint endeavors. Laughter to tears. Romance. 

Am I ready to give  up just because I can't find anyone who wants the same? No. Do I meet people that I think would be a good fit? Yes. And some of them seem to think I fit. But it can't be sustained. And I think the reason is honesty. I find that people aren't honest with themselves or others. In relationships,  all we're doing is  testing the waters. Why be  locked down by vows and moral weight? It shouldn't be that serious in the beginning. Or that difficult to achieve. Although I submit that in a culture where weirdos abound, one must be careful. That does add a layer of difficulty, doesn't it?

One thing  that I've learned in my self-discovery is that I avoid conflict and permanence, and to some extent, change. I have not chosen a single life by design. I am not particularly happy, but I make it work. I do not resent women who have found a partner, or even a soul mate. I just wonder how they can stick with it. 

I don't know how perennially single men feel about this because they don't generally share this kind of stuff. But no woman I know is content to be alone for the duration. They are always open to the right situation (this is subjective), should it be presented. 

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Tantrums and Diversions: IT'S NOT A STORM, IT'S JUST A DRIZZLE!

Tantrums and Diversions: IT'S NOT A STORM, IT'S JUST A DRIZZLE!

IT'S NOT A STORM, IT'S JUST A DRIZZLE!

It was a dark and stormy night. All of them were. Even when the sun was shining very brightly, inside my head it was like a torrential rain, in the dark, in the forest, with no umbrella, naked. I found it difficult to express emotion other than anger and fear. Though I was often teary, I could never really cry like I wanted to. There was nothing...there. I had lots of thoughts, some of them very dark, that would at least keep my mind occupied. I chose to regard those as sanity checks.

Stress will take you out, if you let it. Thank God for fantasies. Many a night I've been ballroom dancing with George Clooney, designed dynamite clothing lines and accepted Grammy awards. I've had wonderful conversations with my late parents and numerous brunches near the Eiffel Tower. I started and ended every day with music. Yes, it does soothe the savage breast. And often, very often, I felt as if I were a savage.

The reasons I am still here are simple...I see that now. I'm strong, faithful and unwilling to accept the word "no". I don't accept "normal" either. When you've always been a doer and the brakes are on, you can't accept that as normal.  I would have made a great scientist. Or a detective. I analyze everything. While there is a difference between being patient and "hanging in", both are skills and character enhancements. Learn them!

Sometimes one has to take a gigantic step outside of their comfort zone to achieve the goal. It is demoralizing. It affects your reputation. People judge you. You lose friends. But after the first few losses and embarrassments, you get used to it and it's "just another thing". That, boys and girls, is survival mode.

The last three years have been bleak, for me. The two before that weren't a picnic either. Only God can turn things around like He has. Slowly and continuously. I'm glad He doesn't work on an allowance-basis (Like Aladdin and the magic lamp) because by now I would have used my share of blessings for things not nearly as important...

I have one major hurdle to jump, and that decision is not up to me. However I come off the track, it will be okay. I am now equipped to do whatever is necessary. I have a sense of calmness in knowing that.  I am not out of the woods. But I don't just see the forest, I see the individual trees. I see the clearing! The sunlight beams through the branches and casts a light on my face. I close my eyes and I smile.

Some people were very nice to me. They took a moment to smile, to engage me. Old friends, dear friends, new friends, busy friends. Some strangers were nice too. Even if just a "hey" in the line at Starbucks. It brought a smile. I felt as if I was upright and breathing, not invisible or a zombie.

There are a lot of "us" out there wandering around. A million stories. A million people in pain and in need. Those needs are not always tangible, and hip-hip-hurray, some folks get that. I'm grateful that I didn't take the path to alcoholism or drug addiction, though sex addiction I could have handled. Okay, I don't mean to make light of what some consider a valid affliction, but you get what I'm saying. Social life can be dismal but one has to have priorities...

For those wandering: keep your focus, at all costs, emotional and otherwise. Embrace "doubt" because it will broaden you "solution library". Keep your sense of humor. Or develop one. You'll need it. You won't have the dopest ride, the most stylish clothes, the freshly manicured and coiffed appearance. You won't be the life of the party, you won't be in the club. You won't be around much, and people may forget how awesome you are. Don't hold that against them - they may be going through something as well. I prefer the George Castanza approach, "it's not you, it's them".

Life is great. Maybe it doesn't feel like it now. You may not know me, but you have to trust me on this: THINGS WILL GET BETTER. It may come a little at a time, like with me, or you may have a gigantic dollop of blessings upon you. However it happens, you WILL return in a more glorious manner than ever! You will get to know yourself better. Always, always, always look on the bright side. Keep telling yourself that your problems are small, because in the grand scheme, they are. As shitty as we the world can be, there are some beautiful aspects, beautiful people that you'll miss if you blink.

Don't blink.

God be with you.

CALIFORNIA REAL ESTATE - The real estate industry is one of the most fascinating in the U.S. Changes occur regularly, but we only notice them when they apply to our personal situation - most likely when we are ready to buy or sell. Here, I hope to remove some of the mystery and confusion about the market in Southern California, particularly in Los Angeles and Orange Counties. Feel at ease in browsing and asking questions. It's what I do, it's what I know and it's my passion. Calif. BRE #01214971

Here they come...kinda

The common belief among real estate professionals is that inventory will quickly increase as foreclosed homes are finally released to the market. My expectation is that although prices will drop, quality will be an issue. Banks are notorious for delivering minimally repaired properties. Don't expect homes with all the bells and whistles at such reduced prices.

BPO - Part 3 - Exterior side and rear

BPO - Part 2 balance of interior

BPO - Part 1 front ext and kitchen

Buying from a position of strength

We are in a very active real estate market - lots of inventory, reasonable prices...and many buyers wanting to take the plunge. Herein is information that will bring you into the market from a point of strength...but it might burst a few bubbles. This post addresses California markets in Los Angeles and Orange County only, however you may find similar situations in your area.

Real estate markets are local, not national. You can probably find a great home in Virginia for $150K, but a great home in California might cost you double that. Know the values in your market. A great way to do this is searching online.

Realtors (agents) work on a commission basis. We are paid  by the seller, and only when your escrow closes. It is a violation of state law to receive payment in any manner not prescribed in the listing contract and MLS postings. All expenses we incur as a result of selling you a property - insurance, professional licenses, auto and other expenses -  are borne by us alone. You will spend a lot of time with your agent during the course of your home acquisition. You not only need to feel comfortable with your agent's personality, but confident in his/her skills and abilities. By the way, the difference between an agent and a Realtor is slight. Both have passed state mandated courses for  licensure, however the name "realtor" is trademarked and designates membership in national, state and local professional organizations. Generally, this membership is incumbent with greater access to a knowledge base - training, networking, etc.

Asking a Realtor for a list of properties so you can look "on your own" is like calling your doctor to ask why you hurt. It's all about the examination.  Window shopping is great for buying clothing or appliances, but with real estate, it is a waste of time for all concerned. Primarily, looking at homes without knowing your price point or desired features is of little benefit to you. You need to have access to the property, as few sellers greet the public when their home is on the market. And they want to see only qualified buyers. Then there is the trespassing issue, if you are viewing a home without proper permission. (Again, perusing listings online is a better way to start your home search if you are not ready to take the plunge.)

Realtors consider a buyer a client once they have consulted with them. This includes discussing your ability to purchase and how we can help. It usually starts with an introductory phone call stating your interest and followed up with a face-to-face meeting (or cell to cell if you are out of the area). Sometimes it is through a meeting at an open house. In almost 15 years in this business, I have never sold a property without this consultation, though often the buyer's criteria changes - especially once we get out in the field and they see how the inventory matches or misses their initial desires.

For the reasons already discussed as well as for security reasons, Realtors do not have the habit of meeting you in the field to show a property if you have not already become acquainted. 

Many buyers fit into the FHA financing niche. It requires a lower down payment, the program tolerates lower FICO scores and less than stellar credit and it's often a super alternative for first time buyers. But there are lending guidelines - of mutual benefit. In a market heavy with foreclosures and few sellers wanting to make repairs,  buyers need to be familiar with FHA condition guidelines. Even if you are a super handyman or DIY person, if a property does not qualify FHA due to condition - and that includes additions not installed in a "workman like" manner or without permits -  FHA will not insure your loan. Yes, there is the 203K program that states funds are set aside for repairs and this may work for you, but it may not. Basically, the bank won't lend on a home that's falling down or unsafe for habitation. This also applies to most conventional financing.

Foreclosure and short sale listings comprise, on average, about 50% of the listed inventory in the Los Angeles market - this can shift neighborhood to neighborhood or even street to street.  A foreclosure is the result of the bank repossessing the home due to the homeowner's default. A short sale means that the homeowner is marketing the property for less than is owed to the bank. It is ultimately the bank's decision, not the seller's, to accept the transaction as a short sale. Generally, a short sale means the seller has some hardship, is behind in payments and on the way to foreclosure. As foreclosure is often more expensive for the bank, short sale is a good option. However, the bank's decision usually does not come quickly. I have waited months for a reply, only to find that the bank would not accept my client's offer. It is important that buyers who write offers for short sales stay in the market - looking, writing offers - to increase your chances of having an offer accepted. Which brings up another point...

Well priced properties in good condition that look good to you also look good to the hundreds of other buyers in your same predicament. You will have competition. Two things to remember: (a) the seller wants to sell for the best price/terms and (b) most homes sell within 95% of the listed price. You and your Realtor should know the neighborhood statistics before writing an offer. If a property is a "good deal" - and good deal is a subjective term, as it can relate to the home itself or area amenities that increase perceived value - know that the property will receive a lot of attention from buyers who see the home the way you do.

Investor buyers are very active these days. Their goal may be to buy a fixer, repair it and return to market in excellent condition, or to keep the property as a rental. I have both types of investors in my client base and this has actually helped my buyers who loved a home that was ineligible for FHA financing. The investor bought it, repaired and sold it to them.  This is a win-win but doesn't happen often. Timing is everything.

In this market, you will kiss a lot of frogs before you find the home that matters most to you. As it is said to be one of the most stressful life experiences, your approach to home buying should be smart, safe and tenacious. Know your limitations. Know your wants and needs. Dress casually with good, comfortable shoes and leave the kids at home until you figure out how the process works for you. Keep your energy up, keep an open mind, keep smiling and have fun with it!

You can't make your house payment. What are you going to do?

This is a tough economy. Some of us are making it through, some of us not. In the beginning of what we are now calling the "bubble burst", mortgage defaults were said to be primarily the result of adjusted interest rates increasing payments to the extent that homeowners could not afford them. Some borrowers didn't realize how the adjustable rates would affect them, others just thought they'd be in a better place when the increases kicked in. As the economy worsened, job losses took hold of  those borrowers who, up to that point, were managing to get by. As the decline continued, a lot of us had trouble "treading water".

Foreclosures were swift in the beginning - say 2008. As the numbers increased, let's face it, the banks simply couldn't keep up. It is not uncommon to hear of a homeowner who hasn't made a payment for a year or more. As government sanctions and programs change or new ones are introduced, the banks are not so quick to pull the trigger.  The bank's hesitation is your opportunity to create an exit strategy. Think about these ideas:

1. If you haven't opened a dialog with your lender regarding loan modification, why are you waiting? The problem is not going away. When my office gets a bank listing and I do the research, I am amazed to find that about 50% of the time, the homeowner didn't try to sell or make any movements to avoid foreclosure. The result is that they lost their home and it may take years before their credit recovers. Bad credit affects your ability to rent a home, to get a job...or buy another home.

2. If you have attempted a loan modification and it didn't work out, try again. Bank's are known to change policies quickly. What didn't work this month may work next month.

3. If a reduction in income makes you ineligible for a loan modification, list the home at market price. The bank will either accept this as a short sale - less costly for the bank - or go for full blown foreclosure - more costly for the bank and usually netting the same result, price-wise. The big difference is, with a short sale you have some control over what happens to your life. And though your credit gets beaten up a bit, recovery is easier. This is not going to cost you anything, by the way. The bank pays the real estate commissions and closing costs. It is a virtually painless exit strategy.

4. Once you have an offer for your home and providing you are eligible on the income front, ask the bank to consider modifying the loan - for you - at market price. This works. It's a bummer for the person who wrote the offer to buy your home but hey, we're in survival mode here.  What you have done is prove with the offer what the home is worth and challenged the bank to step up to the plate - for you. Did I tell you this works? I know - I did it.

5. If none of these tips work for your situation - and granted, "situations" vary substantially -  you can still do the short sale and move on with your life. In a couple of years, provided you've kept your other credit in check, you can buy again.

6.  As with any market, many solutions present themselves but one has to be careful. You'll want to discuss new options with qualified individuals - your Realtor, mortgage company or attorney. The latest solution that I think is viable comes from  investor groups that buy non-performing loans and re-writes them. Income qualifying is a big part of the scenario, credit is not a large issue. The loan is bought at market price. Interest rates are typically higher than market. The bottom line, though, is that you get to keep your home. This solution is not for everyone. But it works.

There is a contingent of homeowners that are just bummed that the market has declined. Some feel as if they deserve a modification because "everybody's doing it". They have the ability to make their payments and have petitioned the banks for loan modifications.  Let me be clear about my experience with loan modifications: successful modifications involve borrowers with a hardship. A decline in value is not in itself a hardship (that comes into play when other hardship criterion are met). Not having enough money to go to the beauty shop or on a great vacation is not a hardship. Having more than one home and trying to modify one of the mortgages is not typically viewed as a hardship. Attempting to subsist on less income due to job loss, injury or illness is a hardship and if you ask nicely, your bank will work with you. I believe the low point is the past and prices are holding...for now. It's a good time to explore your options.

I have several strategies for how to best navigate the maze called today's market opportunities.  Call me if you need my assistance. 562-572-9870