Saturday, March 15, 2014
IT'S NOT A STORM, IT'S JUST A DRIZZLE!
It was a dark and stormy night. All of them were. Even when the sun was shining very brightly, inside my head it was like a torrential rain, in the dark, in the forest, with no umbrella, naked. I found it difficult to express emotion other than anger and fear. Though I was often teary, I could never really cry like I wanted to. There was nothing...there. I had lots of thoughts, some of them very dark, that would at least keep my mind occupied. I chose to regard those as sanity checks.
Stress will take you out, if you let it. Thank God for fantasies. Many a night I've been ballroom dancing with George Clooney, designed dynamite clothing lines and accepted Grammy awards. I've had wonderful conversations with my late parents and numerous brunches near the Eiffel Tower. I started and ended every day with music. Yes, it does soothe the savage breast. And often, very often, I felt as if I were a savage.
The reasons I am still here are simple...I see that now. I'm strong, faithful and unwilling to accept the word "no". I don't accept "normal" either. When you've always been a doer and the brakes are on, you can't accept that as normal. I would have made a great scientist. Or a detective. I analyze everything. While there is a difference between being patient and "hanging in", both are skills and character enhancements. Learn them!
Sometimes one has to take a gigantic step outside of their comfort zone to achieve the goal. It is demoralizing. It affects your reputation. People judge you. You lose friends. But after the first few losses and embarrassments, you get used to it and it's "just another thing". That, boys and girls, is survival mode.
The last three years have been bleak, for me. The two before that weren't a picnic either. Only God can turn things around like He has. Slowly and continuously. I'm glad He doesn't work on an allowance-basis (Like Aladdin and the magic lamp) because by now I would have used my share of blessings for things not nearly as important...
I have one major hurdle to jump, and that decision is not up to me. However I come off the track, it will be okay. I am now equipped to do whatever is necessary. I have a sense of calmness in knowing that. I am not out of the woods. But I don't just see the forest, I see the individual trees. I see the clearing! The sunlight beams through the branches and casts a light on my face. I close my eyes and I smile.
Some people were very nice to me. They took a moment to smile, to engage me. Old friends, dear friends, new friends, busy friends. Some strangers were nice too. Even if just a "hey" in the line at Starbucks. It brought a smile. I felt as if I was upright and breathing, not invisible or a zombie.
There are a lot of "us" out there wandering around. A million stories. A million people in pain and in need. Those needs are not always tangible, and hip-hip-hurray, some folks get that. I'm grateful that I didn't take the path to alcoholism or drug addiction, though sex addiction I could have handled. Okay, I don't mean to make light of what some consider a valid affliction, but you get what I'm saying. Social life can be dismal but one has to have priorities...
For those wandering: keep your focus, at all costs, emotional and otherwise. Embrace "doubt" because it will broaden you "solution library". Keep your sense of humor. Or develop one. You'll need it. You won't have the dopest ride, the most stylish clothes, the freshly manicured and coiffed appearance. You won't be the life of the party, you won't be in the club. You won't be around much, and people may forget how awesome you are. Don't hold that against them - they may be going through something as well. I prefer the George Castanza approach, "it's not you, it's them".
Life is great. Maybe it doesn't feel like it now. You may not know me, but you have to trust me on this: THINGS WILL GET BETTER. It may come a little at a time, like with me, or you may have a gigantic dollop of blessings upon you. However it happens, you WILL return in a more glorious manner than ever! You will get to know yourself better. Always, always, always look on the bright side. Keep telling yourself that your problems are small, because in the grand scheme, they are. As shitty as we the world can be, there are some beautiful aspects, beautiful people that you'll miss if you blink.
Don't blink.
God be with you.
Stress will take you out, if you let it. Thank God for fantasies. Many a night I've been ballroom dancing with George Clooney, designed dynamite clothing lines and accepted Grammy awards. I've had wonderful conversations with my late parents and numerous brunches near the Eiffel Tower. I started and ended every day with music. Yes, it does soothe the savage breast. And often, very often, I felt as if I were a savage.
The reasons I am still here are simple...I see that now. I'm strong, faithful and unwilling to accept the word "no". I don't accept "normal" either. When you've always been a doer and the brakes are on, you can't accept that as normal. I would have made a great scientist. Or a detective. I analyze everything. While there is a difference between being patient and "hanging in", both are skills and character enhancements. Learn them!
Sometimes one has to take a gigantic step outside of their comfort zone to achieve the goal. It is demoralizing. It affects your reputation. People judge you. You lose friends. But after the first few losses and embarrassments, you get used to it and it's "just another thing". That, boys and girls, is survival mode.
The last three years have been bleak, for me. The two before that weren't a picnic either. Only God can turn things around like He has. Slowly and continuously. I'm glad He doesn't work on an allowance-basis (Like Aladdin and the magic lamp) because by now I would have used my share of blessings for things not nearly as important...
I have one major hurdle to jump, and that decision is not up to me. However I come off the track, it will be okay. I am now equipped to do whatever is necessary. I have a sense of calmness in knowing that. I am not out of the woods. But I don't just see the forest, I see the individual trees. I see the clearing! The sunlight beams through the branches and casts a light on my face. I close my eyes and I smile.
Some people were very nice to me. They took a moment to smile, to engage me. Old friends, dear friends, new friends, busy friends. Some strangers were nice too. Even if just a "hey" in the line at Starbucks. It brought a smile. I felt as if I was upright and breathing, not invisible or a zombie.
There are a lot of "us" out there wandering around. A million stories. A million people in pain and in need. Those needs are not always tangible, and hip-hip-hurray, some folks get that. I'm grateful that I didn't take the path to alcoholism or drug addiction, though sex addiction I could have handled. Okay, I don't mean to make light of what some consider a valid affliction, but you get what I'm saying. Social life can be dismal but one has to have priorities...
For those wandering: keep your focus, at all costs, emotional and otherwise. Embrace "doubt" because it will broaden you "solution library". Keep your sense of humor. Or develop one. You'll need it. You won't have the dopest ride, the most stylish clothes, the freshly manicured and coiffed appearance. You won't be the life of the party, you won't be in the club. You won't be around much, and people may forget how awesome you are. Don't hold that against them - they may be going through something as well. I prefer the George Castanza approach, "it's not you, it's them".
Life is great. Maybe it doesn't feel like it now. You may not know me, but you have to trust me on this: THINGS WILL GET BETTER. It may come a little at a time, like with me, or you may have a gigantic dollop of blessings upon you. However it happens, you WILL return in a more glorious manner than ever! You will get to know yourself better. Always, always, always look on the bright side. Keep telling yourself that your problems are small, because in the grand scheme, they are. As shitty as we the world can be, there are some beautiful aspects, beautiful people that you'll miss if you blink.
Don't blink.
God be with you.
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